Autumn

The skies were painted with bright colors of gold, red, and yellow. 

The rising of the sun caused a majestic glow, and a fiery brilliance created the scene where this story begins. 

Leaves and all their fallen glory were left glistening on the ground, and were gently kissed by the rising of the morning sun. 

The hopeful smell of the coming harvest lingering in the air and the calm breeze twirling the leaves down from their branches blows steadily in the background. 

The plants are dying and yet there is something so beautiful in the sense that through this death of summer, that there will be new life coming after the cold winter. 

Some call this season of change fall; however, I prefer to call it Autumn.

With every drop of the temperature, another leaf drops as well. 

The full branches of the tree that once held many green before now stand skinny and half naked with all its pride on the floor. 

The earth’s decaying nature leaves a reminisce of dust on the souls of my shoes as I stroll through the park alone. 

With chilled hands buried in my pockets, I walk upon the path of fallen leaves and the sound of their brokenness screams out into the atmosphere mocking every step I make. 

Crunching beneath me, I feel the cold, haunted ground as I pace myself with chilled air stored deep within my lungs. 

The oak tree’s fresh scent calls me to it, and I climb the arms of the tree. Holding me above the dying nature around me.

The breeze of semi-frosted air runs in and out of the strands of my hair like children playing in the forest, and pinches the cheeks on my chilled flesh like my grandparents did when I was growing up. 

The warm air that once circulated before is nowhere to be found, but the winds blow calmly all around. 

I catch the smell of warm chilly as it lingers to call one home for supper. 

I hug the oak as I carefully climb down the tree with the setting sky behind it’s silhouette. 

I can hear the crisp, dry sound of lifeless beauty crunching beneath my feet as I scurry home from my evening stroll through the park.

I see the sun start to sink back to its hiding place. 

The darkness of the sky begins mixing with the setting of the golden sun. 

The sound of owls asking “who” linger while the taste of hot apple cider races down my throat. 

The smell of my neighbor’s crackling fire off in the distance, and all is a changing with the turn of every leaf. 

Soon, but not yet, the world would have destroyed itself through winter, then started over once more with the coming of spring.

The Chair

The chair stood empty in the middle of the circle. An awkward silence was screaming with all the things I wish I were saying. No one in my youth group had dry eyes; myself included. My youth pastor stood up, and every pair of watery eyes gazed at him as his voice pierced the silent room. “Tonight I want you to bring forth what has been holding you back from allowing God to use you. It’s time to let go of it; it’s time to move on. The chair is open for whoever wants to share.” He tapped the chair as he walked away, and it starred me square in the eye. Mascara trail lines followed the teardrops rolling down my face while I sat down sobbing. Tears of regrets, sorrows, and secrets I’ve held inside for so long. These emotions boiled inside me like hot water inside a teakettle. I was about ready to burst. Everyone around me sat crying as well. All of us in a silent sob session, which felt like it lasted forever.

            The chair stood in the center; empty, mocking me and torturing me. It knew my secrets; it knew my past. It wanted me to sit on it, this throne of sin. So I stared at it blankly, refusing to budge.  I looked back down at the floor and started to cry again, until I was interrupted by the sound of a familiar voice. A good friend of mine was sitting in the chair. My heart broke for him as I watched my friend share his brokenness. I admired his bravery. I wished confession could be that easy for me. After he finished, we prayed and the chair taunted me. A few more of my friends went up to the chair bravely admitting things. I sat consumed with the guilt of my own sin. I couldn’t do this anymore. The war between my heart and my mind were at it again. “No, they’ll judge you”, said my mind, “Don’t tell anyone.” But my heart argued, “They’ll accept you no matter what, Brianna. Just go for it.” I went back and forth with myself like an infinite round of tug-of-war. I was starting to sweat I was so nervous, and my heart was racing like a roadrunner trapped inside of my chest. I could hardly believe what my legs were doing. I was standing up. I was walking over. Before I knew it, I was sitting down on the throne of sins.

            I could feel the eyes of everyone starring at me. My palms were sweaty. My face, eyes, and clothes were drenched with the warm tears that had fallen from my eyes. I couldn’t believe I

was up there. “Too late to turn back now”, I thought.  My head dizzy with the reality that I was now face-to-face with. I wanted to go back. I was scared out of my mind. With tears still rolling, I cleared my throat, took a deep breath, and spoke. I spilled everything. I said things that I have never told anyone before, and they were flying out of my mouth while tears continued to pour down my face. My legs went numb. My entire body just paralyzed as I told my life story to everyone in the circle. When I finished, silence overcame the room again. I was terrified for their reactions. Would they judge me? Are they ever going to forgive me? Will they think less of me? I continued to sob, and I buried my face in my hands.

            All of a sudden I heard footsteps walking toward me. Everyone in the room approached me, and laid their hands on my head, back and shoulders. My best friend grabbed my hands and locked her fingers with mine, and my youth pastor prayed over me. It was a long prayer, and I felt healing as all these people held me in my darkest moment. When the word “amen” ended our prayer, I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Loving arms wanting to hug me surrounded me. I was embraced with these loving arms that held me tight. It was then I realized that I was not in pain anymore. They didn’t judge my past or me. They listened and cared, as I left it all on

that chair. The chair that mocked me, teased me, and had created a powerful fear over me. The chair I used to be afraid of now stood powerlessly behind me.

I let go of everything I was holding onto, and now there is assurance of finally being able to fully allow God into my heart, and into my life. With not knowing where I would go from here, with not knowing the struggles I would face going into junior year, I walked away with confidence. Confident with the future before me, God beside me, and the chair behind me, that I

would never let myself feel the way I felt on that chair again. The chair stood empty in the middle of the circle. The room lingered with the words I had already spoken, and the people in my youth group were finally able to dry their eyes. Myself included.

The sound of the school bell brought me back from the memory of that day, and I carried my backpack off to my next class, Student Council. In the front of the classroom there stood a chair. The chair was silent while the rest of the classroom was full of laughter. My peers greeted each other with “hello’s” and full-embraced hugs after their long summer break. I stood there smiling and socializing with my friends; until my teacher interrupted us with a loud voice trying to over power the sound of ours. “Go around and introduce yourselves, and the position you hold in Student Council. The chair is open for whoever wants to go first.” She said to us as she walked back to her desk. The room stayed silent as we waited for someone to make the first move, until someone finally stood up, walked over to the chair, and sat down. I was that someone.

I sat there just starring at the eyes of my classmates that surrounded me. I knew this feeling; this feeling of confidence that I felt as I walked away from confession this past summer. Confident, that no matter what, I would never have to own up to the horrible sin in my life like how I did before. The chair knew it was powerless. It knew my strength, and my success. But this time I spoke slow, and told them about my leadership in Student Council, academics, athletics, and my faith. Because of my faith, I am off to a better start to this year, and being aware how God has saved me from myself. It all started and ended with a chair. I went from sitting on a throne of sin, to sitting on a throne of success. These chairs constantly remind me of the grace of God, and keep me accountable to the promise I made to be a woman of integrity and purity. I peered out to my class, smiling as everyone in the room applauded. Myself included.

Strong

There's pain in the smiles we force on our faces,
and healing in the touch of our embraces.
We see the world with each little eye,
and with the same ones, are longing to cry.
We feel the rain inside depths of our souls,
and leak emotion from our hearts that have holes.
My thoughts linger often, but come back to the same,
and the guilt I have inside just puts me to shame.
I try to move forward and continue my travels,
but the more I walk away, the more history unravels.
Can I hear your voice say my name once more?
Can we be us like we were before?
I cry myself to sleep for the third time this week,
and wipe silver tears off the warmth of my cheek.
Tomorrow I'll wake up and do the same routine,
smiling to cover my hurt gone unseen.
All the strength I'm getting is making me sore,
for the weight of this pain is increasing more.
and, Although there is heartache that can't go any longer,
the memories of you, are making me stronger.

Wake Up Disciples

While diving in the Bible, I swallowed the words down slow,

To find the true meaning of the passage I did not know.

I found these words in the 28th book of Matthew,

The 19th verse in, Jesus spoke very few.

"Make disciples of all nations" he instructed us to go,

"And baptize them in my name" he said so.

But there was something I wasn't getting, the words I saw in black in red,

And the sound of Jesus' words rang loudly inside my head.

I read aloud, yet one more time, found the word that made me break,

I highlighted "DISCIPLE" in which Jesus wanted us to make.

There was no word like "Christian, or Catholic or Jew"
But it said, in the red, "Disciple"-it is true.
While in my searching I found what disciples were all about,
To drop all things for God and have faith without doubt.
I fell to my knees in tears and asked "what do I do now?
I've been taught to be a christian-but a disciple....how?"
In my head my questions began to ponder,
And in my Bible, my little eyes slowly started to wonder.
In search for more of what God wants and expects out of me,
I found a passage of guidance in Revelation 3:.3
God says "Listen to the words I have to say,
listen and repent, and obey.
If you do not WAKE UP, like a thief I will sneak,
And you will not know of my return" he did speak.
The word of power stirred me inside and I highlighted it so proud,
The word was "WAKE UP" and inside it echoed loud.
The message grew to me and spoke quite clear,
We are disciples, why are we hiding in fear?
We need to WAKE UP DISCIPLES the time is not too late,
We are here for a reason, and now it's time to meet our fate.
It's time to spread the news of Jesus it's time for the world to change,
Forget about the others who will look at you so strange.
Jesus sacrificed it all for us and we can do the same,
So WAKE UP DISCIPLES and get ready to shout His name.
To change the world will take some time, but with God we can move the nations,
So let's shake the sins of our past, and help these generations.
The time has come disciples, don't hit snooze once more,
It's time to WAKE UP DISCIPLES and see what God has in store.
Let's start today guys, let us wait no longer,
And with Jesus on our side, NO ONE can be stronger.

Voices

Oh the tongues we hear that speak so loud,
That influence direction to follow the crowd.
The ringing of voices, the echoing chimes,
And you change your mind 1,000 times.
You try to speak but you cannot hear,
For you can only listen to so much with one ear.
They tell you how to's and without understanding how,
Give you advice on your problems lived now.
They have their own worries and problems to solve,
The more you tell people, the more it makes them involved.
All these words of advice from family and peers,
And displeasing them all is my biggest of fears.
Who do I listen to? What road do I take?
I want a decision but which one do I make?
I guess it proves who you please, and if you'd just pause,
You'd see your not living for God, but you're living for applause.
I want to follow God and long to hear His voice,
When it boils down to decisions, it's me who makes the choice.
When you learn whose voice to hear when life's in a mellow tone,
First listen to God's voice then make His decision your own.
Don't inspired by the voices all around you,
But be inspired by the God, when lost, He has found you.

The secrets of the past rest

I had a secret, truth would reveal,
About a time I tried to steal.
For many a year, it rot inside,
And got so big, I could not hide.
Chimes of guilt in my head have now rung,
Tears of painful memories-falling, they begun.
The story was spilled, I felt so ashamed,
I was judged, alone, and ultimately blamed.
No one would accept me for what I had done,
And the secrets of my past could not be overcome.
Until a man named Jesus died just for me,
He took away my sin and set me free.
He accepted me as I was, and took me at my worst,
And that's why in my life, I put him first.
People will wag their tongues to ears that should not hear,
But when you have Jesus, to whom shall you fear?
The time has come to let the secrets of your past rest,
And give it to the man who loves you the best.

Walking in darkness

When things are going my way and I'm happy as can be,
I feel the sun smiling and starring down at me.
In my head: out of the ground, the flowers grew,
And I imagine myself smiling, running through.
The joyful music plays and I start to sing along,
While all the pretty blue birds chirp a happy song.
The skies around me are as blue as the sea,
And the smell of beautiful things surround me.
I was on top of the world, and my love for God was strong,
Then the question was asked, "what could go wrong?".
But when these things fell out of place,
There is no smile on my face.
The sun, that once did smile before,
Is frowning now, and out tears pour.
The flowers are dead and are dry as bone,
The music is evil, and I'm all alone.
The birds cry out an evil sound,
and the color is dark all around.
I hear my voice echo, "Lord where did you go?"
"Why did you leave when I was at my all-time low?".
But no voice is heard after, just a silence to pierce my ears,
Feeling so alone, I made friends with my tears.
Life moves on, but pause was my setting,
On my relationship with God, which is a decision worth regretting.
I thought I knew my own plans, I thought I knew what was best,
But when Satan tempted me, I failed to pass the test.
Into the darkness I walked, frustrated and confused,
I felt my heart grow bitter and I watched it get abused.
I walked and I walked until I couldn't see a light anymore,
I thought God had left me, and blocked off every door.
I decided, after an attitude so neutral,
To turn back to God, but really it was mutual.
In chapter 4, verse 8,of the book of James too,
It says, "if you draw near to God, he will draw near to you".
Suddenly it hit me, he never left me at all,
If he'd wait for me with wide arms, I know he'd never let me fall.
Then my eyes opened up, there was no darkness to find,
I didn't realize how these sins had made me so blind.
Although I couldn't feel Him, He held me all the way in His arms,
And kept me safe and sound, away from all harms.
So remember next time the rain is pouring down,
To always wear a smile and put away that frown.
The Lord is kind to all, and alone you will never walk,
Just draw near to Him and to you He will flock.

prayers to God on purpose

There are just some things I will never understand,
like how God made the heavens, the skies, the land.
or why cows are called cows, or why there is pain,
but there's one question i want answered that's driving me insane.
what is my purpose here God, I know there is a reason,
you've designed me for greatness, I've been training for the season.
These plans are bigger than I but could never outshine you Lord,
but if you could please just show me just what in my future has been stored.
Lord I want to honor your name, and have your heart,
I want to do things with you I just don't know where to start.
I praise you and I thank you for this life and those around me,
But I'm ready to make a difference life, so please come quick, surround me.
Help me find my point to my life and maybe then,
I can live with you in heaven, but till now i say "amen".

Have you?

have you ever had a burning fire inside your soul?
one that's too strong to control.
one you feel with every jealousy or pain...
one that makes you go insane.
have you ever tricked yourself into believing,
that your "friends" aren't really deceiving.
have you ever wanted to scream but were too weak to try,
a howl so deadly it'd make a dead man cry.
have you ever wanted to close your eyes and hide,
be like a turtle and lock yourself inside?
have your ears heard things that would make them want to bleed?
and the anger in your soul would pick up the greatest speed.
have you ever felt so little so betrayed?
that's left your heart feeling slayed.
have you ever not felt love in a while that you crave,
to hold the hand of your lovers' wave?
or have you longed to feel the lips,
of your lovers mouth on the glass he sips?
have you ever been unable to hear beating from you chest?
that the worries in your soul cease to rest.
i deny my beauty and compare who i am,
and got lost inside my own little spam.
i compare my blessings and deny my ways,
and inside i am a haze.
if only these feelings bottled up inside,
would come out one day not afraid to hide.
and one day be strong enough to finally say,
"I'm beautiful in every way"
but lying to yourself won't get you anywhere but failure,
and this is the future i endure.
the question is simple, this is true,
in these experienced feelings of pain, have you..?

Only a rose...

Only a rose could smell so sweet to your nose,
and still prick your finger, only a rose.
Can it bring meanings of joy, and yet,
still bring sorrows and tears so wet.
Only a rose can show beauty and still,
bring comfort and joy to those who are ill.
Only a rose can be so perfect and still have thorns,
like an all holy angel with devil's horns.
And only a rose can still catch your breath,
before and after its untimely death.
Only a rose can be so many colors, and yet only be known by one,
and yet still shed its petals under the winter sun.
Only a rose can say a message so true,
like, "I'm sorry", "get well", and "i love you".
Only a rose could smell so sweet to your nose,
and yet still prick your finger, only a rose....